Quoting Joe Dispenza D.C. from his book – Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, “it seems that human nature is such that we balk at changing until things get really bad and we are so uncomfortable that we can no longer go on with business (life) as usual. This is true for individuals as it is for a society. We wait for crisis, trauma, loss, disease and tragedy before we get down to looking at who we are, what we are doing, how we are living, what we are feeling and what we believe or know, in order to embrace change. Often it takes a worst-case scenario for us to begin making changes that support our health, relationships, career, family and future.”
It seems we fear change, and for those of us who embrace change, we fear upsetting those in our lives more than they are appearing to be upset.
We fear triggering more anger, more abuse, more disrespect and giving one more reason to “drive them away”. We tick along, trying to bury the elephant in the house, pretending things are not as bad as they really are and hoping against all hope that things will change, that they will get better.
Do you feel like you are living in an ice cave? Where you have shut yourself in, not allowing yourself to feel, because in the next moment you may well be shattered again, have your meagre hopes dismantled with a few well placed unkind words. You feel it is safe to not feel at all, than feeling being continually “whacked around verbally and emotionally”.
Do you feel that you have no feelings left; you are just going through the motions of living? You may well be able to “be yourself” with your few close friends, but even they know that something is up. You see the support and care they receive, you see the connection of being part of a family…and you feel the lack in your own life.
Do you feel SO angry desperate to have things change to a loving, supportive, team-working partnership? AND do you wonder if it will ever be different?
We do live in a culture where (mostly) men are living with the belief that they do not have to take responsibility for their actions.
That they can come home and take out their frustration on their wives, partners and children.
They believe that as long as they are “bringing home the bacon” that they fulfil their role. It appears that this is the only role that some think they have. Not even being present for children’s milestones of finishing primary school, college, graduations etc.
Maybe they had a father who, like this was not present and had expectations that were not attainable, who did not encourage or praise, or a mother who was domineering, liked to criticise, blame, shame and belittle – yet I know in the bottom of my heart that IF another man or woman treated their partner, wife or child as they do they would not let it rest until the “other” was dealt to. Yes our men are protective; especially when it is someone else who abuses their loved ones, yet many do not see their behavior as the same.
It is not right, it is not fair, it is not even acceptable to be abused, whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally or verbally.
However it happens – what matters NOW is are we going to be the change we want to see?
SO what do we do?
How do we continue, survive, or even begin to heal – all of which are possible by the way.
- We start with ourselves…yep you heard right.
You see, inside of us are hurts, that started LONG before we met the people who abuse us.
We know that not everyone we meet is like this – because we have some good relationships – and this tends to convince us that all our abuse issues are because of “the other.”
You see, in the first 7 years of life we experienced MANY things, so numerous that we never will remember them all, and many of them traumatic to a young life, which was unsupported emotionally and mentally, and maybe physically too, to deal with all that was coming at them.
So in those early years we set up beliefs of
- how we were treated,
- that we “deserved” to be dealt with in certain ways, by certain people,
- that we were not good enough,
- that certain people were to be feared, mistrusted,
AND we learned to live in survival mode – protecting ourselves, defending ourselves, because there was no-one else who would or did. These beliefs became ways or reacting, then responding, then ways of living – our habits.
- Certain people,
- Certain gestures,
- Certain behaviors,
- Certain words,
- Certain tones of voice would trigger us into defense and protection mode.
- Certain colors,
- Certain tastes,
- Certain smells
- Certain sounds
also become triggers and leave us controlled by them – unknowingly and unsuspectingly.
So life goes on and all of a sudden we are in situations that where we feel power-less and abused, once more.
So yes – it IS “the other”, to a certain extent, but just as much, it is the child within us – powerless, frightened, threatened and scared who is responding.
THIS IS WHY WE START WITH OURSELVES.
You can never change another person – yet when YOU change there will be, and is changes in those around you.
So the most power-filled, courageous and inspiring thing you can do for yourselves and others is to make some changes – inside of you – to become stronger, more confident, courageous, and to gain your self respect.
- We start by looking at our own reactions, seeing how they trigger others.
- We start by looking at others reactions and seeing how they trigger us.
- We look at things we can do to respond differently.
Because when we respond differently to others they find they can no longer respond in old ways, keep treating us how they have in the past.
They will try, they will rant and rave, and maybe things will appear to get worse for a time – stick to your new desired reality and you will ride it out.
Yep, you will slip up, and revert to your old reactions, but re-set yourself and continue on, for practice builds new neural pathways and eventually the “slip-ups” will become less and less.
In a workshop I have created
- We look at bullies and victims – the traits, the similarities – how they are hurting, and what is behind those hurts – this helps understand ourselves better.
- We look at our reactions, their reactions, our responses and the things we can do.
- We look at communication changes we can make and give you tools in real-time to put into practice immediately.
- We look at ourselves, we change ourselves without judgment, criticism, shame or blame, and we look at “the other” without shame, blame, judgment or criticism.
- We see it just as it is and move on by identifying what WE can do NOW.
I offer ongoing support, a closed Facebook group to share, encourage and inspire each other.
Click the link for more info or to sign up – will offer workshop on-line if requested